Openness in Adoption

Mark, Harriet and Theo

By Harriet Fancott

Here is the quickie version. My husband Mark and I intended to adopt internationally (from Lesotho) but after eight months of bureaucratic hiccups, we set our sights closer to home. On Friday, we sat in a JJ Bean café quaffing Americanos and wrote up our profile and Dear Birthmother letter. We made 20 copies, tucked them inside shiny silver folders and dropped them off at the agency that day.  We we’re shocked to receive a call the following week indicating a family was interested in meeting us.

A week later, in the most nerve-wracking meeting of my life, we met a birthmom, (gorgeous, athletic, young and 7-months pregnant) and her father (quiet, serious, concerned). Two weeks later, we also met the birthdad (quiet, nervous with a sizable track bag) and her mother (vibrant, emotional, heart on her sleeve).

They liked us! After that, we met various combinations of the family four more times before the birth including

a memorable movie and dinner with the birthparents where we met at the wrong place and were later ousted from a restaurant because its was 19 and over. Two months later, at the end of July 2009, during a sweltering heat wave, a perfect baby boy, who we named Theo, was born, and we were suddenly parents.

Openness

Openness has different meanings and shapes for everyone. Its defining attribute is that the adoption is not closed, is not a secret, and we know who each other are. From there, the sky’s the limit. Given we’d met the birthfamily and they us, our adoption was effectively open from the get go. We all live in the Lower Mainland so in-person visits are easy to arrange.

We never outlined an actual openness agreement; instead, we agreed in principal that openness was best for everyone. Openness was best for the birthmom, who will always know that her son is safe and taken care of. Openness was best for Theo, who will know his roots and know that his adoption occurred from a place of love and caring. Openness is best for us because we have a complete medical, cultural and family history for our son, and he will have a real relationship with his family or origin.

Challenges

When we brought Theo home, we we’re a bit frazzled due to the heat and the suddenness of parenthood. We had people knocking down the door to drop off food and presents and visit. We also had to figure out diapers, bottles and sleeping arrangements.  And the birthfamily needed to see him too. A day after Theo came home with us, the birthmom, dad and her parents arrived at our home for a visit. We had been told that the birthmom would need to see that her baby is safe. From there, we had a flurry of visits for the next two months. We understood how important it was for Theo’s birthmom to see him so we opened the door for her to visit pretty much anytime. These visits were very hard for us. We needed to bond with our son and settle in as a family. The dissonance between loving him and bonding with him as our son and being faced by the fact that he had come from someone who missed him dearly was extremely difficult.  Visits even now can be emotional for all of us.

The Arrangement

Since December 2009, we’ve settled into regular email updates and four visits a year. The visits take place at the birthmom’s family’s home, which is more comfortable for everyone. We have a big Jamaican feast. Theo runs around and get spoiled from his birth and grandparents. Since Theo’s birth, we’ve met his birthparents and their siblings (a total of 5), and both sets of his birth grandparents.

The Future

Our relationship is in its infancy. We are all still finding our footing and getting to know each other.  Theo does not yet really know who his birthfamily is in relation to him and us. When he can begin to talk and understand, we will explain it in simple terms. My hope is that our relationship deepens and yet normalizes over time.  One thing I know for sure: we are truly committed to this relationship and wouldn’t have it any other way.

Harriet is a mother in an open adoption.  You can read more about her family on her blog at http://www.seetheorun.com.