Adoption Language

Five years ago when my husband and I were adopting we learned a lot about appropriate language surrounding adoption. Might sound silly but oh, so necessary.
For those of you who have family or friends who have adopted, this is for you. For those of you who are adoptive parents, this is for you as well as please remember nobody really means to say something rude or inappropriate. This blog post is a quick lesson for all of us who know, love or have an adoptive family. I can really only speak from my own perspective but these are just a few things that really bothered me after we adopted our son.



"Where is his real Mom?"

Written in black and white it looks startling but this is something we were asked many times after adopting. I would always bite my lower lip, take a breath and say through gritted teeth "I AM his real Mom".
Does an adopted child have another mother? Sure. Is it anyone's business where that birth Mom might be on any given day? No. I found this not only dismissing to me, but also invasive of our son's birth Mother's privacy. Why does it matter where the wonderful woman might be who gave birth to my amazing child? Is she not entitled to her privacy? It also seemed really intrusive of my son's personal information. Even now when someone says something along these lines I reply with "That is my son's personal information and when he is old enough you can ask him if he would like to share that". There is never a response after this as you can see the thought that crosses their mind and, of course, that would be rude to ask him. We view any information about our son's birth family as his private information. Please, don't ever ask about "real" moms or dads. The adoptive parent(s) you are talking to is the "real" Mom and/or the "real" Dad. Adoptive families are free with information about birth family's when it is  best for their child and their family as a whole. My favourite comment was a friend who said "I hope his birth mom knows how much you two love him".

"Someday you will be able to have your own children"

Where do I start? I will never forget someone saying this to me while I was kneeling on the floor changing a very nasty diaper. I looked up at her and said "if this isn't my own child, can someone else clean this butt?" This is usually someone trying to console you over what they perceive is a infertility issue, however, she didn't know anything about my fertility capabilities and this statement minimizes just how much I thought of him being my child. A lot of people adopt not because they have to but because they want to. Bless them!

"How's his head?"

This is a story my husband loves to tell. Because we adopted from the Ministry this person assumed our son was "broken" and that there was something wrong with him. If you are suspect of a child having special needs then what those special needs are will be revealed when/if a parent feels it is appropriate. Parents who adopt special needs children deserve their privacy, and to protect their child's privacy as much as anyone else and are not required to to give you any of that information. Also, an adoption is always a time to celebrate and rejoice, not a time to disclose personal information. I had an adoptive parent tell me one time that she never answered questions about her daughter's special needs because she wanted people to hold her daughter with love in their hearts, not sympathy.

"What are you going to tell him about his parents?"

I always answer this question with "Everything I know" and leave it at that. I am not sure why this seems like pertinent information for other people to have although I have learned over the years that this question is really more related to how we are going to talk to our son about his adoption. People are curious and want to know how children learn about their adoption stories. However, again, this is private
information that belongs to the child and by the way, we are his parents!

"He is so lucky to have you"

This seems so harmless but it has always been a bit difficult for me because no child is "lucky" to have a parent(s) but every child deserves a parent(s). I always knew this was meant to be a compliment but it just always hurt to hear. I have never said anything to anyone when this statement came up, I just simply replied "thank you, but we are really the lucky ones".

My bit on it......The best thing you can say to any couple or single parent adopting is "Congratulations!" Do for them what you do for any of your friends or family who has had a biological child; throw a shower (regardless of the age of the child), bring a gift for the family, send a card or an email expressing your joy for the new addition to the family. Remember that a dream just came true for the parents you are facing and there is, most definitely, cause to celebrate.

Wendy Rairdan
Proud Adoptive Mom
Facilitator of Adopt Talk - Adoptive Families Association of British Columbia Volunteer
To read more about adoption please go to http://bcadoption.com